Author Archives: Mark Magness

Snowpocalypse

We had a massive downpour of snow in the night and this morning Charlie called up from downstairs as I was shaving:

“The snow has broken the sky!”

“What?!” I shouted as I looked out the window to try and see whatever Aurora Borealis-esque crazy shit she was referring to, wondering what the hell was going on.

“Yeah, there’s no TV signal!”

Sigh!

What I expected to see, but obviously with more snow

What I expected to see, but obviously with more snow

What I actually saw. Boring!

What I actually saw. Boring!

For non-UK residents, an explanation – Sky is the name of a popular satellite television subscription service. Other services are available.

Charlie’s Quotes

Last night after reading a book about a particularly devious abusive husband Charlie said this to me.


“I’m glad you don’t use your intelligence for evil.”

Thanks babe, it’s good to have my choice to not be a supervillian reaffirmed. Although I think you may be overestimating my genius.

Charlie’s way of starting a conversation

Charlie:
“Sixteen Twenty Six!”

Me:
Blank Stare

Charlie:
“You’re either angry or you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

Me:
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Charlie:
“Sixteen Twenty Six! That’s when the train is arriving on Sunday, you need to pick me up from the station.”

Me:
“You seem to think its odd that I didn’t immediately get that. You basically just shouted a number in the middle of eating a mince pie and I’m supposed to know what the hell you mean.”

Charlie:
Giggle

Me:
“You could have at least given me a fighting chance by saying twenty-five past four. At least then I wouldn’t think you were yelling random years out.”

Charlie also seems to believe that words such as “he” and “she” are magic, and that if she changes the person she’s referring to when using one of these words, you will not need to be informed and will know psychically.

Things I Say in my Sleep

This one’s complete gibberish, I can’t decipher it, it’s bollocks.

Listen

Anyone got any ideas? Answers on a postcard. Or in the comments section, that might be easier.

Charlie’s Quotes

Charlie just asked me this question

“Do you always have to be so blunt and rude? I’m a people pleaser and what you say reflects badly on me.”

Yes. Yes I do. Everybody’s got a deal, and bluntness is mine. I do appreciate you making me laugh by asking me this though. 🙂

Charlie’s Quotes

Charlie was saying how whenever there’s a death in a family there seems to be a baby being born, I was arguing that both events occur so often that this cannot be seen as anything other than a coincidence when she came out with this cracker:
“I don’t know that many people who have died, and I don’t know that many people who have been born”

I had no idea you were such a loner babe.

Charlie’s Quotes

We went back to my hometown this weekend as it was my sister’s birthday. We were getting a bit bored so we decided to play a quick game of Trivial Pursuit. Someone got this question

Anyway, it turned out the answer was Germany, and my father said that it made sense as it was the biggest country in the EU. Charlie responded with:

“Oh, not because they keep putting their towels on the seats then?”

Nice.

Things I Say in my Sleep

Paranoia’s setting in I think.

“Too, too, too coincidental”

Hear it here.

Things CHARLIE says in her sleep

My sleep talk app did something new a couple of nights ago, it picked up Charlie talking in her sleep! Not only was it unexpected, it was hilarious!

“Yeah…(ahem) she might ask me where Saturn is, we’re in trouble”

Now I don’t know if Saturn is a code word and she thought she was a spy or if she was actually worried about terrorists stealing the ringed planet, but it’s very funny. It might just be Charlie’s subconscious trying to make my blog all about her.
Listen to it here.

Charlie’s Quotes

Be careful not to annoy Charlie or she might say to you what she said to me last night.

“I’m going to thump you in the heart”

’nuff said.