How I Nearly Died on Honeymoon

So, Charlie and I are married and back from our wonderful honeymoon in Sorrento, Italy. We had such a great time but I nearly ruined it by having an itty bitty accident on our second night there.

The beautiful setting for our honeymoon

The beautiful setting for our honeymoon

I woke up in the middle of night to answer a call of nature, noticing at the time I was a lot more groggy than I normally would be. However, I shook it off and went to the bathroom.

So, about a second into the deed I realised I was creating quite a bit of noise, and fearing I would wake Charlie I adjusted my aim, to be a little quieter (I’m trying to be tactful here). Still feeling a little groggy I closed my eyes, thinking to myself “Don’t fall asleep”.

Can you guess what happened next?

I awoke on the marble floor of the bathroom, being cradled by Charlie who was yelling “Are you alive?”.

I had fallen to sleep; an instant, deep sleep. I had then fallen, hitting the bidet on my right side, injuring my ribs. This was incredibly lucky, however, as the impact with the bidet had redirected my fall, causing me to twist and land on the floor facing the opposite direction, avoiding any head trauma on the marble fixtures at all.

Also luckily, I had awoken Charlie despite trying not to. She heard my impact with the bidet and, after receiving no reply to her calls, she came to investigate and found me prostrate and unconscious.

Once I awoke, I was confused to say the least, I had fallen into such a deep sleep so quickly that I hadn’t even been aware of the fall or impact, and couldn’t remember the fine details of the period just before falling asleep until the following morning.

Once again I was lucky as the injury I received to my ribs didn’t cause me much of a problem at all whilst on honeymoon, it was sore at times but most of the time I didn’t really notice it. In fact it is only now it is starting to feel more achey.

The resulting bruise from the impact with the bidet

The resulting bruise from the impact with the bidet

I do however believe that had I not hit the bidet and been redirected I would certainly have smashed my head against a hard surface in the all marble bathroom, bringing our honeymoon, if not our marriage to an untimely end.

The moral of the story people is this; Bidets save lives.

Or sit down when you pee in the middle of the night, your choice.

Bidets: Life savers, Beer Coolers; is there anything they cannot do?  Picture courtesy of

Bidets: Life savers, Beer Coolers; is there anything they cannot do?
Picture courtesy of

One Thought on “How I Nearly Died on Honeymoon

  1. The wife’s side:

    I got woken up around 4am by some rather loud peeing, next thing I hear is a clang like something being dropped. I called out to ask if he was OK and got no answer. I ALMOST didn’t get up but luckily I did. I went to the bathroom and saw Mark flat out on the floor, face down and unconscious/presumed dead. Obviously I freaked out and started shaking him and calling him and panicking, I got up to phone 999 then realised I wasn’t actually in the UK and had no idea what the foreign equivalent was (that could have been embarrassing when we realised he was actually just asleep) so I started shaking him again and he finally made a long groan and then woke up, confused and in shock. The fact he was so groggy made me think he really had hit his head and I had a rather sleepless rest-of-the-night wondering whether he would still be alive in the morning.


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